dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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