Im at strip club and am horny
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
