I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
