I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
