i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
