My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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