I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
