I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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