wanna go halves on a baby?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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