Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
