Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
