let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
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Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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