Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
