So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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