he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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