I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
