Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she looked like the before picture.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
