I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
