Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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