you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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