Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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