Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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