I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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