If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
