life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
