You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
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I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
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I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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