Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
