I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
