Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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