I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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