i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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