How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
