u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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