i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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