listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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