I wish my penis had an off switch
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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