so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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