so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
