Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
