if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
