Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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