Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
