The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
