so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
