i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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