I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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