dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
