chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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