she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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