About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
