Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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