I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
