Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
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I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.