We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
