Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
