At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
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It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
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Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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