We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
