Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The air was thick with penises
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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